Category: Firm News

As another season of litigation draws to a close, I wish to thank our clients, our staff, and the many sunbeams that have made our work possible. We have won, by our own count, 91 of 97 cases this year. The remaining six were postponed on account of lunch.

The coming months will bring colder light, shorter days, and a great deal of important sleeping. I look forward to representing you through all of it, from the warm end of the radiator. Remember that the firm is always open, except when it is closed, which will be most of the time.

Respectfully yours, Bartholomew Mewsley, Esq.

The firm’s Ethics Committee, chaired by Hortensia Clawford, has issued Opinion 14 on the matter of napping during depositions. After careful consideration, the committee finds that sleep during testimony is permitted, provided that the sleeping attorney remains upright, or at least in a loaf position.

Associates who snore must do so in a manner consistent with the gravity of the proceeding. Associates who dream of fish and twitch are advised to do so quietly. The committee notes that Marmaduke Pounce has been napping during depositions since March and has not yet lost a case, which reflects poorly on the others.

The retreat was held on the upper landing from 10 a.m. until 4 p.m., with a break for a nap that lasted from 10:15 until 3:55. Present were Mewsley, Clawford, Pounce, and Gerald, who counted towards quorum on the grounds that he was there.

Resolutions passed: that the firm shall acquire a second sunbeam; that the word ‘no’ be removed from all internal documents; that Tuna, our receptionist, be promoted to Director of First Impressions, with no change in duties. A motion to adjourn was carried by a unanimous snore.

The firm’s six week internship concluded on Friday with a closing ceremony, a small cake, and an incident involving the cake. We would like to thank our three interns: Biscuit, Poppy, and a kitten named Sir Reginald who is nine weeks old and has not yet been admitted to anything.

Highlights of the programme included filing 112 documents in the wrong drawer, drafting a contract that consisted entirely of the letter M, and a mock trial in which the defendant was a sock. The sock was acquitted. Biscuit has been offered a full time position, subject to passing the bar, which is on the second floor.

Following the annual review conducted by Managing Partner Hortensia Clawford, the firm’s fee schedule has been updated. All fees remain payable in tuna, kibble, or equivalent consideration.

• Initial consultation: one chin scratch, left side only.
• Written opinion letter: 14 salmon treats.
• Court appearance: one full tin of mackerel, plus travel in a carrier we will object to.
• Emergency injunction against a vacuum cleaner: 22 minutes of lap time, nonrefundable.

Clients unable to pay may enter a payment plan, which is also paid in tuna but more slowly. Fees for appearances before the Hallway Bench are doubled, because the Bench is cold and the attorney must be warmed up afterwards.

Whisker & Co. is pleased to announce that Marmaduke Pounce, a black and white tuxedo cat of impeccable bearing, has joined the Litigation department. Marmaduke graduated top of his class from the University of the Upper Bunk Bed, where he wrote a thesis on the enforceability of promises made at 4 a.m.

He comes to us after a distinguished clerkship under Judge Mittens, who presided over the Hallway Small Claims Court. Marmaduke will take over the firm’s docket of cases involving sunbeams, and has already been assigned a window, a desk, and an unreasonably small chair he refuses to use.